While this post will not be as long as my standard post I suppose you are all quite grateful that I have been posting regularly regardless of length, I am sure.
I had mentioned that I lost my grandfather this year. This was a tragedy for my family. It would have been had he never lived with us, he was a remarkable man. But as he had lived with us, the blow was much worse. Suddenly, my post on despair didn't seem so awesome. It seemed, twistedly untimely. And a little bit hypocritical.
So I left it alone for a time. I thought several times I would work on a few other posts I had started. But each time, the natural flow of writing I usually experience did not occur. So I thought since inspiration had not come, I was no longer being called to write.
Flash forward to Friday night. (by the way I do not live in a hands-free only law state) I was on my way to my parent's house in the town where I grew up (I now have my own apartment in a neighboring town). My boyfriend was in town from university (He started going away for his last two years instead of community college. I'm very proud of his hard work.) Mac (my boyfriend) was going to meet me at my parent's house with a very late dinner (as I had worked a closing shift) and I was going to finish my little sister's princess castle cake (complete with turrets) for her birthday party Saturday. I called Mac to warn him there was a man dressed in dark clothes walking on the side of the road, so that the gentleman would not get hit. (Just a note, NEVER EVER wear black pants, and a dark brown hoodie with the hood pulled up when walking down the side of the road - don't worry nothing happened to the gentleman). I hung up when the phone went to voicemail and looked down for a split second to put it into the pocket in my driver's door. When I looked up, the stop sign was a little closer than I'd like, but my breaks were more than capable of handling it. Unfortunately, after a moderately lengthy dry spell it had been raining gently for the first time earlier and had just started to sprinkle again. Which means all the oil build up from the cars during the dry spell was now fresh and slick and floating on a thin coat of water. Which despite knowing better, was something for which I had not calculated.
The stop sign intersected a slightly more busy road where I had to turn left. At this time of night there are rarely cars in either direction. Would that I were so lucky. As my car continued to slide and my wheels did not catch there was a car, and not far off, close. In a split second decision I decided to turn my car right not left, in the hope that the driver would hit further back on my car. The driver braked dramatically and impacted my car at the driver's door, hitting me so hard my car spun so fast the broken glass from my shattered window flew outward instead of in (thankfully) along with several items from my car (not-so-thankfully) the car spun about 310 degrees and hit a telephone pole (also in the driver's door) and came to a stop. The car had crushed in on me, and I was trapped between the door and the console. Once the car stopped moving, thankfully I had a little wiggle room. Because of my split second decision to turn right, the driver had hit me at the back of my door and in the back passenger door instead of straight into my door which would not have ended nearly so well. At the time though, all I was thinking was "Dear Lord, don't say I'm trapped in this car!." But I was.(sometimes the answer is no, haha)
Unfortunately the other driver did not realize I was trapped in my car. And I kept careening my un-trapped torso desperately around trying to find where my cell phone had flown while shouting out to the driver, "Are you all right? Are you OK?" he seemed fine, and he was the one who called the police. It wasn't for a few more moments of sheer claustrophobic panic that he realized I was trapped and stood by the passenger side, which made me feel less isolated than when he was sitting in the remains of his car. I kept apologizing and crying. Usually I am calm in emergency situations (barring one other) but for some reason, although I am not claustrophobic normally, being trapped in the dead remains of my beloved car Clarisse was devastating, being trapped is not a pleasant experience any day, but in a damaged car with your body screaming in pain, its much worse.
The people living in the nearest house came out. The mother stood next to me and rubbed my shoulder. I was about to ask if anyone could see if my cell-phone was on the floor under my feet when the family's daughter found my cell phone. It had been thrown about 25 feet from my car, and was still operating (kevlar body, best investment I ever made). I called my father who came to get me, and Mac to let him know.
The accident was my fault. The most frustrating part is that I am usually so conscientious. I have never before had a real accident which was my fault. Realistically, my small mistake of looking down for a split second too long shouldn't have been a problem if it was 1) light out and the other car saw me sooner. 2) not raining 3) there hadn't been a dry spell preceding the rain 4) there hadn't been a driver coming on the cross street 5) the driver had had his brights on and could have seen me sooner 6) the driver had simply been a little farther back In fact, the only reason I had to look down at all was because it was so reflective out the glare made it hard to slide my cell into its normal pocket out of the corner of my eye. I'm not saying this to justify my accident. I should not have looked away from the road, if I couldn't easily slide the phone into its pocket I should have set it on the passenger seat instead of allowing myself to look down. That was my fault. I was simply pointing out how slim the odds were that this accident would have occurred.
As some of you know, I have fibromyalgia, which is a neurological pain condition which scientists now believe may have something to do with a malfunction in the AV shunts in human blood vessels. Regardless, the result is this, constant nerve pain, everywhere, but focusing on specific trigger points. And I have a surgically reconstructed spine, which causes me pretty significant muscular back pain on a daily basis. The two combined have been my living nightmare. Now add being struck by a vehicle, hit in the side by a collapsing car door, thrown forward at maybe 30 mph against a seat belt, and given incredible whiplash. OH, by the way, an added benefit of fibromyalgia is easier and more extreme bruising and extreme swelling.
Now, understand, I have a pretty high pain tolerance from dealing with all that daily pain, but my doctor had to put me on some medication in order to manage my pain. So after getting a ride to get some stuff from my place, I'm staying with my parents, I'm not allowed to drive on these meds (not that I am ready to yet anyway, since I am now - justifiably - terrified of making a mistake). So I brought my laptop and two of my current craft projects to my parent's house. So with limited shifts at work because of the injuries, that's not a lot of entertainment. And suddenly the idea came to me to work on my blog.
I had hoped this was a sign of the return of inspiration. I wish. But all this long long, sad, melodramatic introduction was to get you to this point: I listened. I was stuck, forced to sit down and just listen. Something I rarely allow myself to do. I try to listen to God and I set aside time for Him. But this extra time I was stuck and silent and my normally busy brain was slowed down (partially because it hurts so much to think hard right now and partially because unfortunately a little bit is a side effect of my medication) but in my now quiet brain, in my now quiet life, I realized that in everything else I do, (my drawings, my designs, my music) sometimes inspiration comes to me and sometimes I have to work at it. Why had I allowed myself to become stagnant rather than seek inspiration when it came to my blog, which is one of my interactions with God.
Yes, I know, super obvious. Especially compared to some of my other stuff. But sometimes the simple things are important. This doesn't just apply to seeking inspiration guys, sometimes it applies to seeking God's will. To seeking to set aside time for Him rather than just hoping whatever time you happen to have is enough. Sometimes we don't just wait for the still small voice, we need to set aside time to listen. See Admirably Attending if you think this theme is one you need to focus on. Otherwise take this as my long-winded reminder to always take the time out to seek and to listen!
Deuteronomy 32:1-2 "Give ear, and I will speak, and let the earth hear the words of my mouth. May my teaching drop as the rain, my speech distill as the dew, like gentle rain upon the tender grass, and like showers upon the herb." (ESV)
This is the post formerly known as the "Catastrophic Cause of Concentration."
It was renamed since I had originally thought I felt more like I was focused than like I was concentrating, but let it go for the sake of the alliteration, then later named two more surrounding posts with alliterations starting with "C"'s, and decided to change it to match what I had thought in the first place!
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