Admirably Attending

As I have mentioned before in my post Our Physical vs Paradisaical Parent I am reading a book called God Girl, by Hayley DiMarco. While I cannot say I agree with every single speck of her theology (we disagree on Once Saved Always Saved for example), her theology is Biblically sound and a solid read. I put the book down for awhile while prepping for the mission trip to India. But I had a chance to pick it back up. I was reading the chapter on communication this week and what she says about true listening really struck my heart. Especially since I was just speaking in my last post (Trump Termination) about listening instead of "trumping" what others say.

James 1:19 (NIV) says "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry."

So according to Hayley DiMarco the "God Girl" (her way of referring to a Godly woman) does certain things when communicating. I am going to alter, expound on, and refine her list a little, as what she said covered a whole chapter and I simply don't think my readers have quite so much time, or maybe quite so much patience. Let me know if you do!

So the attributes of a Christian listener are: Listening with Kindness, Being Attentive, Being Giving, Prioritizing the Speaker, Asking Questions, Praising the Speaker, and Commenting with Care.

Listening with Kindness is very important. Often when someone is telling us their problems or just talking for "too long" we start to think of them negatively. We need to always think the best of the speaker when we are being Godly listeners. Remember that they are not complaining, they need you to listen, they are venting their frustrations or seeking support and commiseration. Listen while always giving them the benefit of the doubt. 

Being attentive may seem obvious, but I have found sometimes seeming attentive is harder. My mind is capable of running many lines of thought at the same time. Make sure that when you are listening, you are truly listening. Keep what they are saying in the forefront of your mind, and ensure your other trains of thought follow the same path, and don't distract you. Remember to make eye-contact. Make affirmations, make sure you engage with what they are saying in your mind and out loud.

Be giving is sometimes harder than you think. Sometimes listening means giving of time you really don't think you have. Hebrews 13:6 says "Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God." Sharing what you have can also be sharing of your time, and sharing of your patience. Make sure you don't seem impatient or busy. I'll say it again. When you are listening, you are listening.

Prioritizing the speaker is kind of like being giving. But make sure that even when the speaker seems to expect a response, you keep the conversation focused on them. This is them time, not you time. Make sure if you agree to do something for them, you do it. Make sure if they need something from you, truly need it, that if you are not able to do it you help them find someone who is. Support them no matter what! Remember, Philippians 2:4 says "Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others."

Asking Questions is really important when someone is speaking and expects you to be truly listening. Asking Questions can help keep them on track with where they are going, and help clarify to ensure you understand exactly what they meant, not just what they said. Asking questions shows you are engaged with what they are saying and shows them you care. Even if your question is just a prompt. "And then what did you say?" It shows you heard exactly what they are saying and that you are listening actively.

Praising the Speaker is not about fluffing someone's ego unnecessarily, it is about spending time really thinking and seeing the good in them. When you support them and speak to them about what you think they have right, it also makes them feel good and supported. It also makes it easier if you want to offer advice or gentle critique later.  Praising the speaker is about being supportive not deceitful, remember to find something honest, that you truly mean. This is also a good exercise for you. It helps you keep your heart open and helps you see the best in others.

Commenting with Care is in the same line as asking questions. Most people expect you to comment when they are speaking. Remember to be engaged and speak on what they are saying. Even if all you say is an affirmation of what they said, like "I hear ya!" or "that was very big of you," it can really help the speaker feel that you see them as important and that you think what they are saying is important. If you are asked to offer advice, remember to do it with love and kindness. Asking someone for advice is hard, and giving it is difficult as well. Remember to think of how God would want you to speak to them, namely with kindness and honesty.

In school, we called all this being an active listener. I advise you all to become active listeners.  Remember 1 John 3:17 says "But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him?" Sometimes the "world's goods" are your time, or just your ears and heart.