Trump Termination

Awhile ago a pastor spoke at the Campus Crusade for Christ at Syracuse University (where I went to school). I remember the pastor spoke about good listening. So when he spoke about our inclination toward "one-upping", in this case he was not referring to "one-upping" of the explicit, intentional variety. Sometimes we even notice ourselves doing this, our own version of "my scar is cooler than your scar". But what he was referring to is something I know I do, probably multiple times a week.

Have you ever been talking to someone who said "I have a killer test tomorrow, I am so worried about it," and responded with something you had as well, "I know, I have two finals! I'm freaking out." Or if they were talking about their crazy week at work, you might respond with how bad your own is.  Now, I am later going to talk about what the impact of this is if your intent is not hurtful, but first I am going to talk about the more serious implications.
  
Sometimes this might even be intentional. If you are frustrated with a friend who seems to complain a lot, you might be tempted to point out you have it way worse than they do, by countering with something you are dealing with which is worse. Remember firstly, that a lot of people with chronic health issues have been taught to alert their companions to these issues in case they interfere with their attitude or performances at tasks. They are told to do this by health care professionals in order to ensure you are not offended if they are...say cranky when they are in pain, or are unable to keep up with you if you are walking quickly. Secondly, if you are absolutely certain that this is not the case, one-upping is not how we as Christians are called to address conflict.

Matthew 18:15-17 (ESV) says “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church." That is how we Christians are to address conflict.

Remember "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." Ephesians 4:31-32 (NASB)

But most often as Christians (at least I like to think so) we don't automatically try to one-up one another out of anger or frustration, or even vanity and pride. (If that is something you struggle with, remember Proverbs 11:12 "When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom.") I like to believe that in most cases this is something we do to commiserate.

Say your friend comes up to you and says "I have such a killer headache today." One of our most likely responses is "I know, me too! Must be the weather today." or something of the like.

Maybe your friend is limping, if you ask them what happened. "I totally turned my ankle yesterday on the ice." You might reply, "Ugh, I sprained mine last year, that sucks girl."(OK so my imaginary friend and my imaginary you are valley girls, but regardless the point stands.)

In these scenarios, you were attempting to commiserate with something tough through which your friend was going. And while that is admirable, this pastor seemed to think this was universally a bad thing. On one hand I disagree. I think this is a heart matter, and depends on what your intent was. If your intent was to comfort or commiserate then you are in good shape, but if your intent was to feel better about yourself or to call someone out for complaining, then maybe you're not in good shape at all. On the other hand, I agree with this pastor in some ways. I was raised to understand that while in a perfect world the intent behind our words matters, in reality often times what really matters is how our words are taken. In this case, this boils down to the fact that sometimes people can feel like you are trying to one-up them, whether you are or not. And that's not a good thing.

For example, my best friend in the entire world knows me better than anyone else. I would assume they would know that the things I say to them always come from the heart. This friend, let's call him Dan, was going through a really hard time. He were facing a physical issue which caused him some pretty severe pain, and that severe pain was leading to some emotional issues. He was feeling really down and out.

I have experience with this. I suffer from fibromyalgia, and I have a surgically reconstructed spine. I've been in pain every second of every day since I was maybe 12 or 13 (over ten years). I got really down for awhile too, and sometimes I still struggle with that, but most of the time now that is not an issue for me, through the support of my family and some vitamin D (I was deficient) I am doing quite well.

So when my friend was down I kept talking about how I went through the same thing. He knows me better than almost anyone else. I assumed he would understand that I was saying "If I can get through that, you can too." I think I even may have used those words. But to poor Dan it seemed like when he was needing to talk about what he was going through, I was instead talking about me. It seemed like I kept turning every conversation back to me. That is not at all what I intended.! Thessalonians 5:11 (ESV) says "Therefore encourage one another and build one another up..." That was what I was trying to do, but I had failed miserably. I went home and cried when I found out how Dan had taken what I was saying. I made sure to tell him what I had meant all along and apologized. And now, when Dan needs to talk about what he's going through, I don't bring up what I went through, I just listen. I support him. Because that is what he needed all along.

James 1:19 (NIV) says "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry."

 Remember to turn off the urge to trump others, whatever form it may come in. We are here to support each other. And sometimes we need to remember that what we intend may not be how what we say comes across!