I also know that this often affects parents. They find that something they have told their children dozens of times has more impact coming from someone else. Ironic since parents are probably the best source of solid advice someone can have. Not every parent, I suppose. Mine certainly were.
For me, this topic was self-sabotage. The sad truth is that we often wish most to blame people who have no real impact on whether or not we succeed at whatever task we have attempted. And often the main reason for our lack of success is ourselves. I am going to start off with a list of warning signs. I also found another list on iBloom, which was surprisingly similar, so the symptoms of self-sabotage are pretty universal.
- Do you start many projects, but find you finish far fewer, or even none?
- Does the completion of a project sometimes occur months, or even years after the task is begun?
- Do new project ideas or plans often keep you from completing current projects instead of completing both?
- Do you find yourself enthusiastic at the beginning of a task but drag toward the end?
- Do you find yourself focusing on regret? Or do things that went wrong, or even minor wrong choices leave you second-guessing?
- Do you automatically blame others or circumstances when things go wrong?
- Do you often think others are luckier, more blessed, or more fortunate than you? Does it often seem others have been dealt a better "hand" than you in life?
- Do you often think others are more intelligent, more capable, or more deserving than you?
- Do you find yourself chastising yourself often?
- Do you automatically blame yourself when things go wrong?
Honestly, I believe even answering yes to as few as two of these questions means you may be struggling with at least some degree of self-sabotage. In my mind there are two main types of self-sabotage: Deprecating Self-Sabotage, and Repudiating Self-Sabotage.
To repudiate means to deny the validity or truth of something. Repudiating Self-Saboteurs tend to blame circumstances, other people, events, their upbringing, anything but themselves they can possibly blame in order to remove the responsibility for failure from their own shoulders. Repudiating Self-Saboteurs tend to answer yes to F and G as well as other questions.
To deprecate means to belittle or depreciate something. Deprecating Self-Saboteurs tend to blame themselves for what goes wrong in their life so much that they begin to second-guess themselves and ultimately refrain from acting in the first place, ultimately stagnating. Deprecating Self-Saboteurs tend to answer yest to H, I, J, or E, as well as other questions.
Of course, these two categories do not fit everyone directly, there are shades of self-sabotage. For example, I myself fall somewhere in between the two. I have a tendency to regret, and I question my decisions constantly. I have a hard time even making decisions in order to avoid the chance that I might make the wrong one. I acknowledge now that my subconscious has been telling me I am not good enough for years. and in some aspects of my life, I even listened. But I also have the tendency to want to place blame on others or circumstances outside of my control. I like to think that I usually take responsibility for my actions, but I also know that sometimes I do not.
Understand that these questions are guidelines. Saying yes to one, or even two might just be a coincidence. Most human beings on earth tend to blame others for things and most tend to blame themselves occasionally and berate themselves when they don't need to. The difference is the "automatically". Most of us have a very complicated process of what psychologists call "attribution." This means that we tend to have methods by which we categorize things as being the result of someone's behavior. We attribute fault and responsibility and the glory of tasks well done according to patterns which we almost always follow. If we "automatically" always blame ourselves or always blame others, these patterns have been over-written, and this is a sign of self-sabotage.
Finding the root of your self-sabotage can be helpful, (perhaps you were over-criticized in your formative years or you failed at a task which was important to you and have deemed yourself a failure ever since) but remember not to allow this to become another form of self-sabotage. Don't use the reason for your self-sabotage as an excuse to continue in this behavior. Use it to encourage you to break that habit and set a new set of habits.
Breaking self-sabotage isn't easy. We self-sabotage in many ways. The cure for self-sabotage is different for each person. For Deprecating Self-Saboteurs it is about constantly encouraging yourself. Constantly choosing to believe that you are good enough, that you can do this. As a Christian, it is even easier. because we know that we can handle even the things we could not handle on our own through God. 1 Corinthians 10:13b "And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." (NIV) Just keep reminding yourself that through Him you can do anything.
Some great ways to encourage yourself are to memorize Bible verses, to hide encouraging statements where you will find them when you need them, to have a friend or someone you trust prepared to take a call when you need encouragement. Set a goal, and then if you accomplish it, reward yourself. Remember not to fall into self-deprecating thought patterns, remember to think I can whenever you want to think I can't. Sometimes there are things we simply cannot do, come up with a couple things you can do which will move you toward the same goal or a different goal. And always remember Philippians 4:13 which says "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (NKJV)
For Repudiating Self-Saboteurs we are facing an entirely different beast. Please, still remember that God will always provide you a way, in any situation that seems impossible, as we say in 1 Corinthians a moment ago. But also remember that its time to stop blaming others, and start taking responsibility for your actions; including failures, yes, but also successes. Galatians 6:4-5 says "Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else. For we are each responsible for our own conduct." (NLT) We are to look to our own load, and complete our own load, and take the satisfaction from completing our own task.
Whenever you are in a situation where something has gone wrong, make sure to stop any trains of thought that resemble "Well, he did this..." or "If she hadn't...." or "I would have gotten it if x hadn't happened." Own up to the parts that were your own fault, and accept the things you couldn't change. But also remember not to be too negative or down on yourself. Remember that every failure is a chance for future successes. Remember when Thomas Alba Edison was asked about the many unsuccessful attempts to make a light bulb which preceded his success, he said "If I find 10,000 ways something won't work, I haven't failed. I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward" As we know, quotes often get bandied about, and so here is another version of the self-same quote (from another source, both fairly reputable) "I have not failed 700 times. I have not failed once. I have succeeded in proving that those 700 ways will not work. When I have eliminated the ways that will not work, I will find the way that will work."
Regardless, the point is the same. Remember to take responsibility for your actions as God asks of you, and also remember to keep trying to move forward. Unlearning habits is a long process. Don't get too discouraged. I'm trying my best not to do so. We will keep moving forward together. I wish I had a step-by-step process for you, like in Reviving the Romance but this is a bit of a different story. Good luck, and God Bless. I hope you will update me on how you are doing. Let me know if you want any prayer.
