I have this theory that relationships are like fire. Sometimes when you first meet someone, its like dry kindling, there's a spark, and it blazes up instantaneously. Sometimes you're driftwood, and it takes you a while to dry out, but suddenly there's a spark subtly turning to flame. However it was kindled, your relationship then burns brighter and hotter as you get to know each other. Your spark turns into a flame. Eventually it turns into a bonfire, and blazes bright and strong. One day the fire will blaze down, but it is still hot, the coals are almost blue. Then eventually it burns down to the coals and the coals burn merrily and hot, and even if you bury them or try to put them out, they just won't burn out. Love is just like a fire.
I have an amazing boyfriend. We both share a deep and abiding faith in Jesus Christ. We share the same mores and values, and we agree on all the vital matters of faith. And we have had a very strong foundation in our relationship. We haven't been together that long numerically, we're just now pushing a year. But we've already been through a lot.
Recently, Mac went through a tough time. I am not going to go into the details, but the point is Mac was struggling to get his ducks in a row, and despite the best intentions our relationship got back-burnered. We drifted apart a little bit. Now, a lot of times in relationships under a year that start to drift apart, it may be a sign you need to rethink your relationship, but I knew that wasn't the case with Mac. The reason we drifted apart wasn't because God didn't mean for us to be together but because we let circumstances get in the way.
So I made it my mission to be there for Mac in his hard time. At first it was hard, he was a little cranky, a lot forgetful, and incredibly busy. We spent time "together" but not really together. But I started with small gestures. When I was attending college out of state, Mac and I mailed letters back and forth. I mailed Mac a letter or a card almost five days a week. Often I received two from him in return (an impressive feat for a young man). Our relationship was vibrant and alive. So I started sending him notes again, cards, letters. I hid envelopes in his sweatshirts and wallets, just letting him know how much I loved him, that God loved him, and that we were both there for him.
That was just the first step, and I took a few others and have had some more recommended to me by friends. The Christian's guide to revitalizing romance at any step in your relationship.
STEP ONE:
Small gestures. The first step is doing little things to remind your significant other how you feel. Make sure that every second of the day they are reminded about how much they mean to you, and how much you are there for them.
STEP TWO:
Put them first. Don't be upset when they are cranky or grumpy or don't make time for you. Just smile and reschedule. They need your time right now. They need your forgiveness and sensitivity. Don't expect repayment for your kindness and attention right away. This is not a barter system. This is love, its an action, not a feeling. You don't feel it, you do it. You say I love him; you can't say I happy him, I sad him. Love is a verb, feelings are a direct object. I AM happy, I AM sad. I LOVE you.
STEP THREE:
God time. Mac and I started attending a second church service designed specifically for our age bracket. We picked back up the couple's devotional that we had neglected. I hadn't told him yet what all this was about, just that I felt God could really help him in his time of need, as always. God is always there for us when we need him, and true love only comes from God. 1 John 4:8 says "Everyone who loves has been born from God and knows God. The person who doesn't love doesn't know God, because God is love." God is love, and God is the author of love.
STEP FOUR:
Do things you did before. Start subtly, but then get your significant other in on it. Do activities you did when you were first dating, or whenever it was when you were on fire for each other. When you first had that spark or that flame. If you bowled early on, go bowling. If you took the time out to go OUT to dinner instead of staying in, do that! Spend time together, give attention to one another, focus on the other person.
STEP FIVE:
A friend pointed out to me that every Christian couple has a PDA and any physical affection line. I will not go on a tirade about what the Bible says that line is. I know many people interpret it differently (right or wrong). This same friend said that if you want to rekindle your romance, DO NOT make the mistake of moving that line in the wrong direction. Take it back two steps. However you define those steps. Consider staying at that back step for a LONG time, or for the rest of your relationship. If you can handle staying there, why not? You will find that the little things seem way more romantic this way. Go back to kisses on the cheek, or just holding hands. Do what you need to do. She says it is tough at first, but it really makes a world of difference.
STEP SIX: Communication. Now, this isn't sixth because it is the sixth most important step. It is sixth, because this is, in my mind, a good time in the process to amp this up even more. Now that your significant other is in on the fact you are trying to get your relationship to back where it was, and you are already communicating more through your letters and devotionals, bring this to the forefront. Communication isn't really about talking though, its about listening and encouraging other's to talk. If you are the one who initiated these steps, it is most likely what you really need to be doing is encouraging THEM to communicate. Do so.
STEP SEVEN:
Stick with it. This isn't something you do and then quit. Don't go "Oh that worked" and then stop doing it (which isn't that so often what we do?). Revitalization is a process. Just continue to show your love and support. Don't let anything get in between you again, and continue to put God first. When you are close to God, you can be a funnel for his love to flow through you.
Tune in tomorrow for Reviving the Romance, applying the same principles to your relationship with God.
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