Providence as Provider

I thought writing my last post from the "opposite" direction (from the verse to the idea, instead of from the idea to verses informing the issue) was a fun change, so I am going to do so again! The story is in 1 Kings 17:1-15.

The story starts with background. God told Elijah to call down a drought on the land, that there would be no dew and no rain. So God sent Elijah to a valley where there was a brook which would last a long time even in the drought so that he could have water, and God sent ravens to bring food to Elijah while he was there. (I Kings 17:1-6)

But eventually, even that brook went dry, and God sent Elijah to Sidon where the Lord had "directed a widow there to supply [Elijah] with food.” So Elijah went to the village in Sidon, and "when he came to the town gate, a widow was there gathering sticks. He called to her and asked, 'Would you bring me a little water in a jar so I may have a drink?' As she was going to get it, he called, 'And bring me, please, a piece of bread.'" (I Kings 17:7-11)

But the widow didn't have any bread. She and her family were starving to death. She had a little flour left and a little oil left, and she was gathering those sticks to make a fire with which to bake their last meal so that they could die with something in their stomachs at least. (I Kings 17:12)

But Elijah knew that God would provide. He said "Don’t be afraid. Go home and do as you have said. But first make a small loaf of bread for me from what you have and bring it to me, and then make something for yourself and your son. For this is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: ‘The jar of flour will not be used up and the jug of oil will not run dry until the day the Lord sends rain on the land.’” (I Kings 17:13-14)

The widow obeyed and did as Elijah had directed, and according to the Bible, "there was food every day for Elijah and for the woman and her family."

Whew! That's a meaty passage, no pun intended. OK, small, cheesy pun intended. There's a lot to unpack here, but I am going to focus on three themes.

First is trust. There are two kinds of trust in this passage. First, there is Elijah's trust. Elijah was a prophet of the Lord. And while certainly there had been some point where Elijah had stepped out in blind faith, at this point Elijah knew when God spoke he needed to listen, and Elijah knew from experience that he could trust God. Despite the certainty of that trust, it was still a beautiful thing. We can, and should, rely on God, regardless of whether we feel certain of his response or not. 

That brings me to the widow's trust. This amazing woman was expecting to starve to death, perhaps that very night. So maybe a small part of her agreement was kind of a gallows "why not?" thought process. But if this woman had not trusted that Elijah was a man of God, and that God had spoken to him, she would have been depriving her only son of his last meal. No, this woman trusted in Elijah and trusted in God.

And so, God provided one meal at time so that they had to continue trust that God would provide their next meal. This was a lesson, and one well learned. God will provide!

The next theme is to expect the unexpected. Throughout the Bible God works in unexpected ways.Jesus healed a blind man with spit. (Mark 8:22-25) God spoke from a burning bush. (Exodus 3:1-4:17) Jesus pulled a tax payment from the mouth of a fish. (Matthew 17:27) God used a donkey to reveal the truth to a man who would not see.(Numbers 22:21-39) Jesus spoke to a tree to teach his disciples a lesson. (Mark 11:12-25). 

And here yet again God works in an unexpected way. From using the widow to provide food, to Elijah receiving food from ravens, God is almighty, all-powerful, unsearchable. With God, you have to expect the unexpected. God will use the ordinary to do extraordinary things.

And finally, step up when God desires it of you. Yeah, we know, we know! Right? But when have you ever been asked to call down a drought? Yeah, think about it. When God says jump, sometimes we say "sure, but how about next week, or when its warmer, or when I can afford gas to get to the gym with the trampoline?" 

When God told Elijah to jump, he didn't even stop to ask how high, he leapt as high as he could. But for Elijah, this was old hat. Not to say that Elijah didn't love serving the Lord. And Elijah knew God, he was never bored.

I only say this to point out that what Elijah asked of the widow on God's behalf was like asking a drowning man for his life preserver, or someone dying of dehydration for their last glass of water. And the widow jumped, and she jumped high. How often do we hesitate to give up something we have to help others? Now imagine how we today would balk at being asked to give up the LAST of what we had to help another, and on just a promise that we would even SURVIVE the giving. again, whew!

Please, I'd like to hear what you thought...or what else you see in the passage, what other themes you think need to be discussed or what you think about these themes. Give me a shout out! I know this is a lot to look at, and to process. And I truly believe there is more here to unravel than three points in this passage. But for me, these points are so deeply thought provoking, that I'll be mulling on them. I think they are beautiful in their simplicity.

A Predestined Parlay and Christlike Character

"In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."  - Matthew 5:16

God did something incredible in my life this last Friday (exactly one week after my terrible car accident). I was working at Michael's and I was checking out a customer's purchases. This young woman (whom I later found out was called Candace [names have been changed for my friend's security]) and two gentleman (Bartholomew and Thaddeus [if I am making up names, I might as well have fun and choose Biblical names]).

Be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.  - James 1:22

As I was checking out their purchases, I must have flinched because I pulled something, at which point I mentioned the accident in which I was injured. Candace asked if she could pray for me, which of course I welcomed. What had not occurred to me was that she meant NOW. And Candace stopped everything, at my register, in the middle of a mild rush, to pray for me, Bartholomew and Thaddeus bowed their heads behind her and we had a prayer session in the middle of Michael's. I have had several people offer to pray for me at work before, I have had a few incidents where I couldn't lift things because of my fibromyalgia or what have you, and someone has offered to add me to their prayer list, and I welcomed it, but I can't tell you how awesome (in the real meaning of the word, not the watered down one) it was to have someone care enough to pray right there.

You see that a person is justified by works and not by faith alone. - James 2:24

In all honesty, at a register, you get flashes of people's personalities. I see hundreds of people a day, and I communicate with them in this little strange microcosm of reality. And I have to say, I pride myself on being able to understand people right away now. Even the way Thaddeus, Bartholomew and Candace engaged and paid attention at the register, the way Candace said "How are you today" and meant it, even before they prayed for me, their behavior screamed "I care."

"To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps." - 1 Peter 2:21

Candace mentioned that their church was having a conference this week, and that she would like me to come. She wrote down the information. I said that if I could find a ride (I am not yet back driving, because of medication) I would try to come. As they left I heard Thaddeus say, I could have given her a ride."

"Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling." - Philippians 2:12

I have to say, this is what was going through my mind. "If these people are an accurate representation of the kind of people, and the kind of faith that is in that church, I HAVE to be there tonight."

"Let us walk honestly, as in the day; not in rioting and drunkenness, not in clambering and wantonness, not in strife and envying." - Romans 13:13

And so I was. I bummed a ride from my Dad. He was so nice, he said "Heather, anytime you want a ride to something that has to do with Church, I'll drive you."

"Those who say they live in God should live their lives as Jesus did." - 1 John 2:6

When he dropped me off, I bumped into Bartholomew in the hallway. He seemed so genuinely excited to see me. He took me right back into the room where everyone was, introduced me to everybody, found Candace. And they engaged with me immediately. There was no awkwardness, there was no hesitation, like "I need to find out if you're the kind of person I want to hang out with." It was "If you're willing to be here and seek God with me, no matter anything else you're the kind of person I want to hang with." It wasn't like the normal testing the waters feeling, I was made to feel like family, instantly.

“You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot." - Matthew 5:13

And I can't begin to tell you how amazing the first night of the conference was. The conference was called Firefall, and the first night Corey Russell (of the International House of Prayer) spoke and Melissa How (of Jesus Culture) lead worship. I must admit, I did not recognize Melissa until she sang, at which point I realized I had been rambling at someone I musically admire with no off switch earlier in the night. (Face palm) But here's the thing, she treated me like family, they all were amazing.

"Yet if [any man suffer] as a Christian, let him not be ashamed; but let him glorify God on this behalf." - 1 Peter 4:16

Pastor Russell's message was so full of the spirit, there was no fluff, it was Biblically sound, and in fact inspired two upcoming posts. I was moved by his message, and the prayer, and the worship. They prayed for healing for me, and someone I had just met that day, but now consider a good friend already (let's go with Jedidah, just for fun) gave me a ride home, out of the goodness of her heart.

"And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, [do] all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him." - Colossians 3:17

Because three individuals were amazing examples of Christ's love, I have now attended two more conference services, been inspired to four new blog posts (after struggling so hard to find inspiration) and maybe my search for a new church home has ended.

“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:14-16





*A fun little note: 

Candace was the name of the Ethiopian Empress who was converted by the Eunuch converted by Peter in a chariot in Acts 8:27. It is said that the Candace (the name of her dynasty, like the Tudors not like Henry the 8th) was so profoundly moved by the testimony of the Eunuch and the truth of Christ that many souls in her nation were also saved.  

In addition Bartholomew is a Patronymic (a last name used as a first name - or a name derived from the name of a paternal ancestor) and was likely also known as Nathanael, who was described in the Bible as a man who knew no guile, a true honest man.

Thaddus was also known as Jude, the author of Jude, and Jude is known for the incredible love in his personal faith. 

And finally, Jedidah was the mother of Josiah. Josiah was the son of the wicked king Amon, but because Jedidah was a follower of the Lord she managed to raise her son in the way of the Lord and Josiah was a good and Godly king. Jedidah was known for exuding her faith in the Lord. 

So all my Biblical names were chosen carefully for the character of the individuals I met.

The Fiasco which Fed Focus

While this post will not be as long as my standard post I suppose you are all quite grateful that I have been posting regularly regardless of length, I am sure.

I had mentioned that I lost my grandfather this year. This was a tragedy for my family. It would have been had he never lived with us, he was a remarkable man. But as he had lived with us, the blow was much worse.  Suddenly, my post on despair didn't seem so awesome. It seemed, twistedly untimely. And a little bit hypocritical.

So I left it alone for a time. I thought several times I would work on a few other posts I had started. But each time, the natural flow of writing I usually experience did not occur. So I thought since inspiration had not come, I was no longer being called to write.

Flash forward to Friday night. (by the way I do not live in a hands-free only law state) I was on my way to my parent's house in the town where I grew up (I now have my own apartment in a neighboring town). My boyfriend was in town from university (He started going away for his last two years instead of community college. I'm very proud of his hard work.) Mac (my boyfriend) was going to meet me at my parent's house with a very late dinner (as I had worked a closing shift) and I was going to finish my little sister's princess castle cake (complete with turrets) for her birthday party Saturday. I called Mac to warn him there was a man dressed in dark clothes walking on the side of the road, so that the gentleman would not get hit. (Just a note, NEVER EVER wear black pants, and a dark brown hoodie with the hood pulled up when walking down the side of the road - don't worry nothing happened to the gentleman). I hung up when the phone went to voicemail and looked down for a split second to put it into the pocket in my driver's door. When I looked up, the stop sign was a little closer than I'd like, but my breaks were more than capable of handling it. Unfortunately, after a moderately lengthy dry spell it had been raining gently for the first time earlier and had just started to sprinkle again. Which means all the oil build up from the cars during the dry spell was now fresh and slick and floating on a thin coat of water. Which despite knowing better, was something for which I had not calculated.

The stop sign intersected a slightly more busy road where I had to turn left. At this time of night there are rarely cars in either direction. Would that I were so lucky. As my car continued to slide and my wheels did not catch there was a car, and not far off, close. In a split second decision I decided to turn my car right not left, in the hope that the driver would hit further back on my car. The driver braked dramatically and impacted my car at the driver's door, hitting me so hard my car spun so fast the broken glass from my shattered window flew outward instead of in (thankfully) along with several items from my car (not-so-thankfully) the car spun about 310 degrees and hit a telephone pole (also in the driver's door) and came to a stop.  The car had crushed in on me, and I was trapped between the door and the console. Once the car stopped moving, thankfully I had a little wiggle room. Because of my split second decision to turn right, the driver had hit me at the back of my door and in the back passenger door instead of straight into my door which would not have ended nearly so well. At the time though, all I was thinking was "Dear Lord, don't say I'm trapped in this car!." But I was.(sometimes the answer is no, haha)

Unfortunately the other driver did not realize I was trapped in my car. And I kept careening my un-trapped torso desperately around trying to find where my cell phone had flown while shouting out to the driver, "Are you all right? Are you OK?" he seemed fine, and he was the one who called the police. It wasn't for a few more moments of sheer claustrophobic panic that he realized I was trapped and stood by the passenger side, which made me feel less isolated than when he was sitting in the remains of his car. I kept apologizing and crying. Usually I am calm in emergency situations (barring one other) but for some reason, although I am not claustrophobic normally, being trapped in the dead remains of my beloved car Clarisse was devastating, being trapped is not a pleasant experience any day, but in a damaged car with your body screaming in pain, its much worse.

The people living in the nearest house came out. The mother stood next to me and rubbed my shoulder. I was about to ask if anyone could see if my cell-phone was on the floor under my feet when the family's daughter found my cell phone. It had been thrown about 25 feet from my car, and was still operating (kevlar body, best investment I ever made). I called my father who came to get me, and Mac to let him know.

The accident was my fault. The most frustrating part is that I am usually so conscientious. I have never before had a real accident which was my fault. Realistically, my small mistake of looking down for a split second too long shouldn't have been a problem if it was 1) light out and the other car saw me sooner. 2) not raining 3) there hadn't been a dry spell preceding the rain 4) there hadn't been a driver coming on the cross street 5) the driver had had his brights on and could have seen me sooner 6) the driver had simply been a little farther back  In fact, the only reason I had to look down at all was because it was so reflective out the glare made it hard to slide my cell into its normal pocket out of the corner of my eye. I'm not saying this to justify my accident. I should not have looked away from the road, if I couldn't easily slide the phone into its pocket I should have set it on the passenger seat instead of allowing myself to look down. That was my fault. I was simply pointing out how slim the odds were that this accident would have occurred.

As some of you know, I have fibromyalgia, which is a neurological pain condition which scientists now believe may have something to do with a malfunction in the AV shunts in human blood vessels. Regardless, the result is this, constant nerve pain, everywhere, but focusing on specific trigger points. And I have a surgically reconstructed spine, which causes me pretty significant muscular back pain on a daily basis. The two combined have been my living nightmare. Now add being struck by a vehicle, hit in the side by a collapsing car door, thrown forward at maybe 30 mph against a seat belt, and given incredible whiplash. OH, by the way, an added benefit of fibromyalgia is easier and more extreme bruising and extreme swelling.

Now, understand, I have a pretty high pain tolerance from dealing with all that daily pain, but my doctor had to put me on some medication in order to manage my pain. So after getting a ride to get some stuff from my place, I'm staying with my parents, I'm not allowed to drive on these meds (not that I am ready to yet anyway, since I am now - justifiably - terrified of making a mistake). So I brought my laptop and two of my current craft projects to my parent's house. So with limited shifts at work because of the injuries, that's not a lot of entertainment. And suddenly the idea came to me to work on my blog.

I had hoped this was a sign of the return of inspiration.  I wish. But all this long long, sad, melodramatic introduction was to get you to this point: I listened. I was stuck, forced to sit down and just listen. Something I rarely allow myself to do. I try to listen to God and I set aside time for Him. But this extra time I was stuck and silent and my normally busy brain was slowed down (partially because it hurts so much to think hard right now and partially because unfortunately a little bit is a side effect of my medication) but in my now quiet brain, in my now quiet life, I realized that in everything else I do, (my drawings, my designs, my music) sometimes inspiration comes to me and sometimes I have to work at it. Why had I allowed myself to become stagnant rather than seek inspiration when it came to my blog, which is one of my interactions with God.

Yes, I know, super obvious. Especially compared to some of my other stuff. But sometimes the simple things are important. This doesn't just apply to seeking inspiration guys, sometimes it applies to seeking God's will. To seeking to set aside time for Him rather than just hoping whatever time you happen to have is enough. Sometimes we don't just wait for the still small voice, we need to set aside time to listen.  See Admirably Attending if you think this theme is one you need to focus on. Otherwise take this as my long-winded reminder to always take the time out to seek and to listen!

Deuteronomy 32:1-2 "Give ear, and I will speak, and let the earth hear the words of my mouth. May my teaching drop as the rain, my speech distill as the dew, like gentle rain upon the tender grass, and like showers upon the herb." (ESV) 

This is the post formerly known as the "Catastrophic Cause of Concentration." 

It was renamed since I had originally thought I felt more like I was focused than like I was concentrating, but let it go for the sake of the alliteration, then later named two more surrounding posts with alliterations starting with "C"'s, and decided to change it to match what I had thought in the first place!

Depths of Despair

Update: I posted this originally in 2014. And having reread it in 2024, 10 years later, I actually agree with what I said. HOWEVER; looking upon it with older, and hopefully wiser, eyes lead me to see that it is woefully lacking in some very important context and depth that really informs this issue. I do plan to add at least second post to this - turning it into a series - in the future.


Despair is an interesting topic in the church. We often face the idea of the sin of despair in the context of the Catholic church, but I don't know that I have ever heard a Protestant church talk about it, and I have been to services in quite a few denominations. That said, maybe they do and I just missed the memo. And if so, then I won't be raising an issue in a vacuum. But if I am, and the Protestants among you are only vaguely familiar with the idea of despair as a sin, I am going to provide some background. There are three main points I want to make about despair. 

First, Psalm 130:1-3 (NRSV) says "from the depths of despair O Lord I call for your help, hear my cry O Lord, pay attention to my prayer!" Here we learn that despair is something from which David begged the Lord to free him. We already knew that despair is negative, but David was a man after God's own heart. If David desired to be free from despair and felt certain God would help him in that, it is safe to assume that despair is something of which God does not approve. 

The second thing that is easy to learn about despair, is that despair is not an emotion. I recently started thinking about love. The other words we describe as “emotions” work like this: "I am happy, I am sad," but unless you are God you cannot say "I am love." (And even then I think he meant it a little more literally.) You say "I love you." This means love is an ACTION, a choice, love is work, and it's our job. You cannot say "I happy you," or "I sad him." These emotions are not actions. You can say "I am in love," but you can't say "I am love," or "I am in happy." Despair is the same way. You can despair, you can be in despair. Despair is an action, work, a choice, just like love is. Therefore despair (barring some medical conditions which involve chemical imbalances in the brain, which I cannot go into right now) is something we can control. And therefore it is something we are called to avoid, just as love is something we are called to do.

Thirdly, we look to Psalm 35:11-12 (NLT) which says "Malicious witnesses testify against me; they accuse me of crimes I know nothing about, they repay evil for good, I am sick with despair." Now we know that despair is a sickness. The Bible also compares sin to a sickness, and despair is sickness. Sicknesses eat away at you, they cause other parts of your life to decline. Sin causes your relationship with Christ to decline. I think it’s reasonable to postulate that despair is a sin. But even if you feel that is a stretch - it does hold that it is something which is not of God, as evidenced by the previous passages. 

So we learned that despair is a trap which captures us, and despair is a sin. We learn that despair is a sickness which separates us from God, and we also learn that despair (aside from the aforementioned exceptions) a choice.

Everybody with me?

How to know if you suffer from despair:

• Do you find even small things going wrong can fill you with feelings of hopelessness?
• Do you feel uninspired; and avoid doing tasks, even those you enjoy; because they seem like too much effort?
• Do you seek easier tasks to help you feel fulfilled or happy, such as spending a great deal of time watching TV or playing with applications on your phone?
• Does it seem to take you far longer to complete basic tasks, even those you do often, than it once did?
• Do you regularly experience a lack of motivation?
• Is it unnaturally difficult to even get out of bed?
• Has your appetite experienced a dramatic change such as seeking snacks regularly to cheer you up, feeling incessantly hungry, or having no appetite?
• Have you spent far more time alone at home than you usually do?
• Has your mood experienced a dramatic alteration from what it used to be like? Are you irritable, sad, angry, or cranky? Do you experience waves of rage?
• Most importantly, have you fairly recently had a major life event which resulted in negative emotions, such as a loss, or even a good change which has created stress and feelings of regret or loss?

I know people who have fallen into despair with no trigger event, like the loss of a loved one, and their lives seem to be going completely right. Sometimes despair can come from wondering why you are not content even though things seem to be going well. This is not unusual. But more often despair at least starts with a negative, triggering event.

If you are experiencing several of these symptoms, or other forms of sadness and lack of motivation, you may be suffering from despair.

(Another disclaimer, these can be symptoms of clinical conditions, or side effects of medication, if you feel you have a medical condition, please consult a doctor.)

Now that you know you are experiencing despair, you can start working on it. Despair is one of the most insidious sins. (I will refer to despair as a sin for the remainder of the post - however you can fill in the blank if you are one of the aforementioned readers who feel this is a stretch.) While most sins seem to crop up more and more as you are trying to deal with them, and get in your way; Despair is unique because not only does it do that, but despair itself is a major roadblock to dealing with anything. The lack of motivation, energy, and willpower can make it very difficult to get started. And the lack of positive emotion can prevent the encouragement of positive feelings after small successes in the progression, which makes continuing the process very difficult.

That doesn't mean that this is an impossible task. You can do this. But more importantly, God can do this through you. God has been sitting there, watching, waiting for you to just ask for Him to do His part, He has wanted to help you all along, but you need to ask. And then you need to continuously allow Him in, because one of the most difficult parts of despair is that it seems to continuously shut us down and slam doors shut.  Revelation 3:20 says of God "Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me." (NASB) (For those of you who do not share my belief that Revelation is just as much about the current church as it is about a future church, see Luke 12:36 where we, God's servants, should eagerly await his knock and immediately let Him in)

Dealing with despair is a process which is mostly a three-pronged attack. One side is submerging yourself in God's love and surrounding yourself with Him. The second side is positive thinking and reinforcement, and the third part is accountability.

There are a lot of ways to submerge yourself in God. Consider instituting several of these things:

1.  Replace your secular driving music with Christian music, and use your drive to work as a chance to worship.
2.  Add a devotional to your life. There are some great one-minute devotionals which don't take up too much time (one minute of hope is great). But I would recommend being willing to dedicate some serious time to God as well. In fact, make that the goal. But start wherever you have to. The best amount of quiet time is the amount you'll do consistently (to start anyway).
3. Add a Bible study, youth group, prayer group, or an extra worship service to your busy schedule. Spending more time with God is good, and the additional Christian fellowship can be very helpful.
4. Spend more time talking to God. An extra five, ten, or fifteen minutes in prayer a day can make a world of difference. I recommend dividing this time into three parts. Spend half of the time not asking God for anything. Tell Him about your day, seek his thoughts on your Bible study or prayer group. Remember asking Him questions is not asking FOR anything. (This would include types of prayer called: thanksgiving, adoration, meditation and contemplation prayer, depending on the denomination)  Split the other half into a quarter asking Him for help or what you need (called supplication or petition, again depending on the denomination), and a quarter prayer on behalf of others (Intercession - this one has a pretty universal name). Spending time thinking of others' needs can be incredibly helpful. Of course don’t forget times of confessing to the Lord.
5. Consider removing secular influences that seem to affect your mood. One of my friends loves thriller movies, but when their mood tanked, removed them from their life until they knew they could handle it again. I love hard rock, but when I am in despair I tend to listen to it less. It's very fun when my mood is fine, but when I am sad it doesn't seem to do me any good.
6. Consider getting involved in helping others. A soup kitchen can be a great way to get perspective while helping others, or a ministry with cancer patients can surround you with people who are developing healthy coping methods for their own problems.
7. Start a prayer journal, talk to God, vent to God.

Positive Thinking sounds a lot like mumbo jumbo, and in some cases it is. It also falls very solidly under the “easier said than done” category. When I use the phrase I mean overcoming the instinct to view every glass as half-empty, an easy thing to do when filled with despair. When I say think positively, I merely mean to try to have a positive outlook on what you encounter. This can also include "counting your blessings." You will need to focus on the positive aspects of each event that happens to you, and focus on the positive events that happen to you even if they're small. Consider doing something like not allowing yourself to watch the TV show you want to watch until you can list 8 positive things that happened that day. When you do make progress, put post-its around the house reminding yourself of what you accomplished. Have a little party for yourself at dinner time, light a candle when it's not your birthday. Remember to stay positive and celebrate your accomplishments. Just don't forget to look at the positives and to also focus on how God has moved in our lives. This is often a lengthy process, although I pray it is not for you. It’s a process of chipping away a tiny bit at a time so that the negative thought comes ever so slightly less often, until it’s rare.

The third side I want to talk about is a part of any process to healing, and that's accountability. Make sure there is someone in your life who will hold you accountable for working toward this goal. Ask a good friend, get your family involved, ask a coworker to challenge you to think of your 8 positive things on your lunch break. Ask your pastor to call you twice a week. Engage with others and ask for help, make sure they know you are relying on them to call you on it if you don't try. Choose someone who is both firm and encouraging. That is the best way to keep going. And remember you are always accountable to God. Don't forget He is always there to help.

My Apologies

Hello again everyone. I'm very sorry, and I know I owe you all an apology. I know I said I would post regularly, but I haven't been reliable lately. 

I was working on a post about despair some time ago, one which I was putting a lot of thought into, and I also had my fingers in a few too many pies, with three of the four posts you will see later this week and month at least started, when my grandfather passed away suddenly in the night. My grandfather was not a distant figure. He lived with our family for many years. He was unbelievably healthy, and somehow we had settled into the idea that he might just be here forever. Loosing him was a crushing blow for our family for a time, and I admit I was not feeling up to addressing the issue of despair. 

After my mourning was completed, I admit, I found myself feeling completely uninspired. Sometimes that happens I suppose.  I am working hard to finish the posts I had started, but in some was the writing is still just not coming as smoothly as it used to. It is a struggle to finish what I started. I waited because I thought perhaps inspiration would just come. But today I decided that inspiration was not coming easily, and I would have to go out and find it. Perhaps writing wouldn't be as smooth an experience as I had come to know, but ideally the experience would be worthwhile. 

Expect the post on despair tomorrow morning. It was a struggle to get those last few paragraphs, but I think I have captured what needs to be said. I hope you can all support me in these next few posts and let me know what you think and see, call me on my shaky points, ask me to clarify where I got my idea in the Bible. Don't let me allow my being rusty to prevent me from giving you the Biblically sound articles I have thus far provided. In short, hold me accountable. It is what I have asked of you from the very beginning, from the very title bar of my blog. All I can ask is that you continue to do so, while I attempt to continue to turn my life experiences to a little learning for me, and for you. 
I also intend to follow the post on despair with a short post explaining why I was inspired to return to you.

I love you all, my brothers and sisters, see you soon!

Raising our Reminder

Usually I start with a life experience, and go from there to Bible Verses which guide us. Today I'm going to do this a little more like a sermon and start from a Bible Verse and talk about it. I went to a friend's church this Sunday and the pastor spoke about John 3:13-15 in which Jesus quotes a verse from Numbers 21:9. I was really intrigued by the story that he discussed a little bit as background, and decided to do a little research of my own. I was raised in the church and have what I would consider a pretty exhaustive knowledge of Bible Stories, but I had never heard this one. And while I have read a large part of the Bible, I have never quite made it through from cover to cover. So I was excited to find a story with which I was unfamiliar. 

This story in Numbers describes yet another time when the Israelites had screwed up. The Israelites were still wondering in the desert, but they were finally on their way to Edom, but as always, the Israelites didn't appreciate what they had. The Bible says "the people became impatient on the way. And the people spoke against God and against Moses, “Why have you brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? For there is no food and no water, and we loathe this worthless food.”

And so the Lord decided to punish His people for their lack of trust and their disobedience. So "then the Lord sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people, so that many people of Israel died." The people of Israel, now knowing the signs of God's reprimands when they had screwed up, immediately knew they had done wrong. Then 'the people came to Moses and said, “We have sinned, for we have spoken against the Lord and against you. Pray to the Lord, that he take away the serpents from us.'"

And Moses prayed to the Lord "and the Lord said to Moses, “Make a fiery serpent and set it on a pole, and everyone who is bitten, when he sees it, shall live.” The Lord used the symbol of their punishment as the catalyst for their healing.

And the Bible tells us that Moses did this, he "made a [bronze/copper/brazen] serpent and set it on a pole. And if a serpent bit anyone, he would look at the bronze serpent and live." Also important, Moses did have to raise the serpent up, but the people were not automatically healed, they too had to lift their eyes up and acknowledge their sin before they were healed.

So to me the most interesting part of this story is the method that God used to provide for His people's healing. As I said, when Moses prayed to God, God directed Moses to "make a fiery serpent and set it on a pole, and everyone who is bitten, when he sees it, shall live." This is really intriguing because the method of healing is the raising up of the cause of the ailment. 

While I feel the need to point out that our "puny human minds" (as my friend likes to say) cannot completely understand the mind of God, I think there are a couple reasonable explanations for this. In fact, my reasoning was backed up by my research as several Old-Testament scholars and Masoretic (Hebrew Bible) Scholars. I selected some references for each point, but there are a wealth of other thoughts on this text, if you are interested let me know. 

But here are four reasons that I think it may have been that God used the instrument of the punishment as the instrument of the healing.

1. To Show God's Power: God was able to show his absolute power by the reversal of something used for punishment to become something used for healing. Two Masoretic Scholars (Daas Zekeinim; Ramban) made this point. Daas Zekeinim said "the same snake that He gave the power to kill people with its venom, is the same one whose depiction will be the instrument of their healing."
2. Because it was a symbolic representation of the sin committed: The use of the snake might have proved a good reminder for the Israelites because in many ways the serpent represents the idea of misrepresenting, speaking deceitfully of, or slandering God (as in Genesis 3:6 where the serpent misrepresents God's commands in the garden, slandering Him and deceiving Adam and Eve). Because of this the Israelites might better understand the severity of the sin of which they had to repent. (Masoretic Scholar Sforno)
3. To be a reminder of the sin so it would not be repeated: The same snake that He gave the power to kill people with its venom, is the same one whose depiction will be the instrument of their healing. Masoretic Scholar Baal Haturim suggests that
4. To teach the Israelites to raise up their sins to God for forgiveness: This may have been a type of man raising their sins to God for forgiveness, just as they had to raise their ailment up to God for healing.(Aaron Jehoshua, an Old Testament Scholar wrote an article called Copper Serpent in his biblical encyclopedia called Insights in the Scripture) He said " In the wilderness a person who had been bitten by one of the poisonous serpents that Jehovah sent among the Israelites evidently had to gaze at the copper serpent in faith [to be healed]," just as Moses had to literally raise the serpent up to God for their healing.
5. To foreshadow Christ being raised on the cross to forgive our sins: Christ's death was a representation of our death through sin, and he was raised on the cross to heal us, true, but also as a reminder that we need healing. Because of Christ's death, the perfect Son of God, we knew the severity of our own sin that it took such a perfect sacrifice, but we were also freed from it. Reverend Spurgeon said "Allow me, then, dear friends, to describe first, the people in the wilderness—the representatives of men who are sinners. Let me describe next, the brazen serpent—the type of Jesus Christ crucified. Let me then note what was to be done with the brazen serpent—it was to be lifted up; and so was Christ to be lifted up. And then let us notice what was to be done by the people who were bitten—they were to look at the serpent; and so sinners must believe in Christ." (Jehoshua also agreed to this point as well.

This last point, the foreshadowing of Christ leads me back, finally to the verse in John. "No one has ascended into heaven, but He who descended from heaven: the Son of Man. 'As Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, even so must the Son of Man be lifted up; so that whoever believes will in Him have eternal life.'" John 3:13-15 This, of course emphasizes that God used the serpent for the fifth reason, to foreshadow Jesus.

Jehoshua said this about this topic: "Like the copper serpent that Moses placed on a pole in the wilderness, the Son of God was fastened on a stake, thus appearing to many as.. a sinner [the representation of our sin, like the snake], being in the position of one cursed. (De 21:22, 23; Ga 3:13; 1Pe 2:24) In the wilderness a person who had been bitten by one of the poisonous serpents that Jehovah sent among the Israelites evidently had to gaze at the copper serpent in faith. Similarly, to gain everlasting life through Christ, it is necessary to exercise faith in him." I don't think I could have said it any better myself, in fact I know I couldn't have.

And Reverend Spurgeon said, in more flowery language, the same thing. "And now I must tell you one or two sweet things for the encouragement of the poor sinner. Oh, you that are guilty this morning, and know that you are so, let me say to you, 'Look to Christ.' For remember the brazen serpent was lifted up, that every one in the camp who was bitten might live; and now Christ is lifted up to you, that 'whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have eternal life.' Sinner, the devil says you are shut out; tell him that 'whosoever' shuts out none. Oh that precious word, 'whosoever.' I see thee clutch at it and say, 'Then, Sir, if I believe, he will not cast me away.'" 

Admirably Attending

As I have mentioned before in my post Our Physical vs Paradisaical Parent I am reading a book called God Girl, by Hayley DiMarco. While I cannot say I agree with every single speck of her theology (we disagree on Once Saved Always Saved for example), her theology is Biblically sound and a solid read. I put the book down for awhile while prepping for the mission trip to India. But I had a chance to pick it back up. I was reading the chapter on communication this week and what she says about true listening really struck my heart. Especially since I was just speaking in my last post (Trump Termination) about listening instead of "trumping" what others say.

James 1:19 (NIV) says "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry."

So according to Hayley DiMarco the "God Girl" (her way of referring to a Godly woman) does certain things when communicating. I am going to alter, expound on, and refine her list a little, as what she said covered a whole chapter and I simply don't think my readers have quite so much time, or maybe quite so much patience. Let me know if you do!

So the attributes of a Christian listener are: Listening with Kindness, Being Attentive, Being Giving, Prioritizing the Speaker, Asking Questions, Praising the Speaker, and Commenting with Care.

Listening with Kindness is very important. Often when someone is telling us their problems or just talking for "too long" we start to think of them negatively. We need to always think the best of the speaker when we are being Godly listeners. Remember that they are not complaining, they need you to listen, they are venting their frustrations or seeking support and commiseration. Listen while always giving them the benefit of the doubt. 

Being attentive may seem obvious, but I have found sometimes seeming attentive is harder. My mind is capable of running many lines of thought at the same time. Make sure that when you are listening, you are truly listening. Keep what they are saying in the forefront of your mind, and ensure your other trains of thought follow the same path, and don't distract you. Remember to make eye-contact. Make affirmations, make sure you engage with what they are saying in your mind and out loud.

Be giving is sometimes harder than you think. Sometimes listening means giving of time you really don't think you have. Hebrews 13:6 says "Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God." Sharing what you have can also be sharing of your time, and sharing of your patience. Make sure you don't seem impatient or busy. I'll say it again. When you are listening, you are listening.

Prioritizing the speaker is kind of like being giving. But make sure that even when the speaker seems to expect a response, you keep the conversation focused on them. This is them time, not you time. Make sure if you agree to do something for them, you do it. Make sure if they need something from you, truly need it, that if you are not able to do it you help them find someone who is. Support them no matter what! Remember, Philippians 2:4 says "Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others."

Asking Questions is really important when someone is speaking and expects you to be truly listening. Asking Questions can help keep them on track with where they are going, and help clarify to ensure you understand exactly what they meant, not just what they said. Asking questions shows you are engaged with what they are saying and shows them you care. Even if your question is just a prompt. "And then what did you say?" It shows you heard exactly what they are saying and that you are listening actively.

Praising the Speaker is not about fluffing someone's ego unnecessarily, it is about spending time really thinking and seeing the good in them. When you support them and speak to them about what you think they have right, it also makes them feel good and supported. It also makes it easier if you want to offer advice or gentle critique later.  Praising the speaker is about being supportive not deceitful, remember to find something honest, that you truly mean. This is also a good exercise for you. It helps you keep your heart open and helps you see the best in others.

Commenting with Care is in the same line as asking questions. Most people expect you to comment when they are speaking. Remember to be engaged and speak on what they are saying. Even if all you say is an affirmation of what they said, like "I hear ya!" or "that was very big of you," it can really help the speaker feel that you see them as important and that you think what they are saying is important. If you are asked to offer advice, remember to do it with love and kindness. Asking someone for advice is hard, and giving it is difficult as well. Remember to think of how God would want you to speak to them, namely with kindness and honesty.

In school, we called all this being an active listener. I advise you all to become active listeners.  Remember 1 John 3:17 says "But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him?" Sometimes the "world's goods" are your time, or just your ears and heart.

Trump Termination

Awhile ago a pastor spoke at the Campus Crusade for Christ at Syracuse University (where I went to school). I remember the pastor spoke about good listening. So when he spoke about our inclination toward "one-upping", in this case he was not referring to "one-upping" of the explicit, intentional variety. Sometimes we even notice ourselves doing this, our own version of "my scar is cooler than your scar". But what he was referring to is something I know I do, probably multiple times a week.

Have you ever been talking to someone who said "I have a killer test tomorrow, I am so worried about it," and responded with something you had as well, "I know, I have two finals! I'm freaking out." Or if they were talking about their crazy week at work, you might respond with how bad your own is.  Now, I am later going to talk about what the impact of this is if your intent is not hurtful, but first I am going to talk about the more serious implications.
  
Sometimes this might even be intentional. If you are frustrated with a friend who seems to complain a lot, you might be tempted to point out you have it way worse than they do, by countering with something you are dealing with which is worse. Remember firstly, that a lot of people with chronic health issues have been taught to alert their companions to these issues in case they interfere with their attitude or performances at tasks. They are told to do this by health care professionals in order to ensure you are not offended if they are...say cranky when they are in pain, or are unable to keep up with you if you are walking quickly. Secondly, if you are absolutely certain that this is not the case, one-upping is not how we as Christians are called to address conflict.

Matthew 18:15-17 (ESV) says “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church." That is how we Christians are to address conflict.

Remember "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." Ephesians 4:31-32 (NASB)

But most often as Christians (at least I like to think so) we don't automatically try to one-up one another out of anger or frustration, or even vanity and pride. (If that is something you struggle with, remember Proverbs 11:12 "When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom.") I like to believe that in most cases this is something we do to commiserate.

Say your friend comes up to you and says "I have such a killer headache today." One of our most likely responses is "I know, me too! Must be the weather today." or something of the like.

Maybe your friend is limping, if you ask them what happened. "I totally turned my ankle yesterday on the ice." You might reply, "Ugh, I sprained mine last year, that sucks girl."(OK so my imaginary friend and my imaginary you are valley girls, but regardless the point stands.)

In these scenarios, you were attempting to commiserate with something tough through which your friend was going. And while that is admirable, this pastor seemed to think this was universally a bad thing. On one hand I disagree. I think this is a heart matter, and depends on what your intent was. If your intent was to comfort or commiserate then you are in good shape, but if your intent was to feel better about yourself or to call someone out for complaining, then maybe you're not in good shape at all. On the other hand, I agree with this pastor in some ways. I was raised to understand that while in a perfect world the intent behind our words matters, in reality often times what really matters is how our words are taken. In this case, this boils down to the fact that sometimes people can feel like you are trying to one-up them, whether you are or not. And that's not a good thing.

For example, my best friend in the entire world knows me better than anyone else. I would assume they would know that the things I say to them always come from the heart. This friend, let's call him Dan, was going through a really hard time. He were facing a physical issue which caused him some pretty severe pain, and that severe pain was leading to some emotional issues. He was feeling really down and out.

I have experience with this. I suffer from fibromyalgia, and I have a surgically reconstructed spine. I've been in pain every second of every day since I was maybe 12 or 13 (over ten years). I got really down for awhile too, and sometimes I still struggle with that, but most of the time now that is not an issue for me, through the support of my family and some vitamin D (I was deficient) I am doing quite well.

So when my friend was down I kept talking about how I went through the same thing. He knows me better than almost anyone else. I assumed he would understand that I was saying "If I can get through that, you can too." I think I even may have used those words. But to poor Dan it seemed like when he was needing to talk about what he was going through, I was instead talking about me. It seemed like I kept turning every conversation back to me. That is not at all what I intended.! Thessalonians 5:11 (ESV) says "Therefore encourage one another and build one another up..." That was what I was trying to do, but I had failed miserably. I went home and cried when I found out how Dan had taken what I was saying. I made sure to tell him what I had meant all along and apologized. And now, when Dan needs to talk about what he's going through, I don't bring up what I went through, I just listen. I support him. Because that is what he needed all along.

James 1:19 (NIV) says "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry."

 Remember to turn off the urge to trump others, whatever form it may come in. We are here to support each other. And sometimes we need to remember that what we intend may not be how what we say comes across!

Our Urgent Undertaking

Every morning, I get up an hour before I have to leave the house. I get up, use the restroom, wash my face, put on my eyeliner, let it dry, put in my contacts, put on my foundation, crunch my hair, then change. Then I do my eyeshadow, take my medicine, brush my teeth, use mouthwash, then sometimes brush my teeth again. I then spend five minutes searching for a clean pair of socks. Once I've found my socks I put everything I need in my purse, then I grab an organic granola bar or some sliced apples to eat on the road. Each day I either loose my keys, or my shoes (usually my shoes) and then spend ten minutes looking for one or the other.

I leave on average five minutes early, after getting up a full hour before I have to leave. I have to get up an extra forty five minutes early if I want to curl or straighten my hair. And don't even get me started on what happens if I choose to take a morning shower instead of my usual habit of showering the night before.

But every once and awhile I hit snooze one too many times, or I (only twice in my entire life) sleep literally through the alarm. And when I finally wake, slide the alarm on my cell phone off, and check the time, I get that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, you know that feeling, and I realize that I only have fifteen minutes before I need to be pulling out of the garage.

Sixteen minutes later, I am sitting in my car. I may be wearing mismatched socks, and I probably don't have eyeshadow on. I have my lipgloss with me to put on upon arrival (or, perhaps at a stop light, just kidding), and I probably only brushed my teeth once, but I am ready. My hair looks just fine, I'm dressed, I have what I need for the day. And I did it in fully forty-five minutes less time than normal.

Welcome to life. A sense of urgency does wonders for our life. So here's my sense of urgency.

In April of 2012, the Sunday before the second week of finals, I am going to meet my friends at a diner in downtown Syracuse. I know another group of my friends is at a cafe and pub down the street. I stopped by to see some of my friends. Abby told me that Maria was running late, and that they hadn't heard from her. Since Maria always answers her texts promptly, my friends Marjade, Abby, and Francis were a little concerned. 

Now Maria is one of my dearest friends, we had known each other since her sophomore year which was my freshman year. I introduced Maria to my other friend Abby the beginning of our Junior year, and they rapidly became best friends. Eventually two of my three groups of friends collided and we were one big happy family. 

But at the moment I was only mildly concerned. I promised to stop back by in a few, asked them to keep me updated, and headed back over to meet my other friends at the diner. When I returned to the cafe and pub, Marjade was the only one left. She looked near tears. As we rush to my car she explained that they had become so worried about Maria (even to the point of taking she had been kidnapped or something) that they had finally sent a text saying that if she didn't answer the next text they would call the police. This was not overreacting. I don't think I had ever had Maria take more than a half hour to respond to a text. Even when she was in class she would at least respond that she was in class and would talk later.

Apparently, when they had finally made the call, a man answered. While there was a moment where they thought their fears of kidnapping had been justified, it turns out this was a police officer, and Maria had been in an accident. Francis had a car, and had rushed with Abby to get Maria's brother, who thankfully was over eighteen and attended school with us (as they needed a family member to approve medical procedures). They had not had enough seats for Marjade. So I called Abby, made sure they had gotten to Andres (Maria's brother) and drove Marjade and I to the hospital. When we arrived, there were police everywhere. Andres had to give permission for the rest of the group to even go to the waiting room, as she was in an emergency surgery.

We waited through the night and the doctors came in shortly after midnight to inform us they suspected Maria would not make it through the night. While the group dissolved momentarily, spirits rose shortly after. The doctors could not have accounted for Maria, we said, none of us had ever known anyone with as much spirit as Maria.

I left the hospital temporarily, knowing the surgery would be several more hours. I picked up all the blankets and pillows in my entire house, and my medication. I stopped at the store and picked up wipes, two packs of toothbrushes, and toothpaste. I grabbed some basic meds for headaches and the likes as well as my contact solution and prescriptions, and headed back to the hospital to settle in for the long haul, armed with meal bars and Gatorade.

I handed out the pillows and blankets to members of our party, and everyone settled in for the night. We didn't sleep well, but when we woke, Maria was still alive. She was in her third surgery. Hopes rose and we took shifts leaving to shower. It was Sunday. Maria's parents arrived Monday. The university paid for their plane tickets and their accomodation.

I missed a final on Monday. The school allowed us to retake them. I took it Thursday while Maria was in yet another surgery. I kept wondering when she would be out, worrying if she would be ok. Needless to say my usual A/A- turned into a C on that particular final.

Maria had many true friends and people cycled through the hospital all the time. The main group of us was about seven, but we saw many people more than once. By three weeks many of us had had to return home. I was renewing the lease on my apartment so my parents had said I could stay as long as I needed to.

By over a month, they were talking about turning off life-support.

SO let me tell you, life is urgent.

Maria was 22 and was hit by a car walking down to have a meal and a beer with friends.

Maria had dual-side closed-head trauma. She had almost innumerable surgeries.

And she woke up. Maria got a second chance. She had some fake skull implanted to replace the parts which were irreparable and had to be removed. She was expected to be physically and mentally handicapped due to the severe fractures to her right arm and leg as well as her scull. Maria walked, in wedges, across the graduation platform a little over a year later. She was mentally fine. While today Maria walks and maybe thinks a little slower still, she lost a total of 3 months of memory when she could have lost her life.

We are blessed beyond belief that we have her with us today. But not everyone gets her second chance. Life is urgent. We think we have an unlimited amount of time, but we do not. The likelihood of a young death is pretty slim. but still about 12% of people (8% men, 4% women) die before the age of 50 in the US. In the world as a whole 12% of people die before reaching age 25. While that's still pretty slim, its a little over one in 10 people (data based on 2006 census records).

God put us on this earth to share His love. And we have a limited time to do it. We need to live like there is no tomorrow for us to share His love, like we only have today to do so. Not to be morbid, but there may be no tomorrow for us either, and yet we act as though we have all the time in the world. That is simply not the case. We all have a limited time on this earth, and while, if we repent and choose Jesus the next life is a better one, we are still held responsible for what we do in this life.

I once asked a friend a question. "Say a lawyer walked up to you today and handed you a disposable credit card with one-hundred dollars on it. He said that your great-great-uncle on your mother's brother-in-law's side whom you have never met decided to leave you his fortune of one-million dollars. And that was after taxes. But before you can have the fortune, you must use the one-hundred dollars. It didn't matter how, as long as you used up the hundred. And it didn't matter how long you took, the rest of the money would still be guaranteed to be yours. Would you throw that one-hundred dollar card in the gutter to get to the million sooner? Or would you go spend that hundred. Maybe buy the biggest steak dinner you've ever had and then head back to the lawyer's tomorrow? Or even better, take it to your favorite charity, after all you're about to get one million dollars. Or maybe spend it as you like, since you plan on spending part of that million on those who need it?

I know I would spend the hundred dollars, and I like to think I would spend it well.

The hundred dollars is this life, and the million is the next. Whether we like it or not, we have to spend the hundred dollars before we get the million, so spend your hundred well.